Kurt nodded, lifting Blaine up by the chin. “I know what you mean. I don’t want it to be all the time. I just want us comfortable when it happens. I couldn’t handle an all the time thing. I know that some people do, and it works for them, but… I like us as this. Two… normal gay men in New York who are more in love than anyone else in the world, and have way too much sex and wouldn’t have it any other way, just… talking and watching movies. Nothing else, just this. I love you as you are. We just happen to have very dominating alteregos that come out at times. Like one day if you’re having a bad day and you want to come home and say the code word, do it. It’s not just for me, okay? It’s for both of us. So we can escape reality when we want to. When you want to forget your own problems and tests and classes and family problems and you want to focus on my basic needs, take over for someone else, you can. When I need freedom from every day problems, tests, designs, family problems, and I need someone else to take over for me for a little while, I can. That’s why we’re a couple. So we can support one another.” Kurt said, running his hand down Blaine’s chest unconsciously, playing with his chest hair.
Blaine smiled and kissed Kurt softly, nodding. “Alright… when you put it that way… I love you, a lot, you know that?” he said, rubbing his thumb along Kurt’s jaw, before leaning in and kissing him. They didn’t really talk after that. Eveything that needed to be said was said, so they just curled into each other, turned on the movie and enjoyed themselves, only pausing it when the food came. But they minute they were seated again, they fed each other food, laughing when Kurt missed Blaine’s mouth and got some rice up his nose. They ended up falling asleep in each other’s arms on the couch, and while the angles they were in weren’t the most comfortable, they both fell asleep with huge smiles on their faces.
Kurt smiled softly, still a little embarrassed. “It’s gonna be a little awkward at first… getting used to going in and out of it more. I mean, that’s why I never brought it up. The transition period is always a little… odd. You can tell me that you don’t want to do it, sometimes. You don’t always have to just… mold yourself to fit what I want. This is a relationship. It’s a two way street, and I never want to make all the calls. I love you, and I want to be with you forever, and I want you to tell me when things get to be too much. I know that after a few times, we’ll just get used to it, but… maybe we should… practice… or something. Maybe set aside a day this week… to practice… and only do it for an hour or so… and then next week, same time, do it for a couple more hours… and then after that, a whole day. Simple tasks, not just sex. I… I think if we take time out to really get a grip of it… it’ll be easier.” He said softly, embarrassed by the fact that he was actually asking to practice this, but knowing it had to be done made it easier to talk about. “You… You do… like the idea of domming like that, right? Telling me what to do, how to do it… I mean, your Napoleonic Complex would sure get a kick out of it…”
Blaine bit his lip and stared down at their hands. “I do like domming sometimes, but… I don’t want to do it all the time. I mean yeah, it feels good when it’s the right time to do it, but most of the time, I prefer to just be me. I feel like a completely different person when I slip into that dom phase, just like you become a different person when you’re in subspace. We can practice and such, but I just don’t want it to become a habit, Kurt. I want to be able to do it for you, obviously, but… do you understand what I mean? I’m not saying no, I just don’t want this to become super frequent,” he explained, glancing up at Kurt’s face for a moment, before looking back down.
Kurt laughed softly, rolling his eyes a little with Blaine being so cute. “We can get out… order some take out, cuddle on the couch and watch Pretty Woman because I’m in the mood for some prostitution tonight.” He smirked, unplugging the tub with his toes and standing up, pulling Blaine with him. He toweled them off and walked to the kitchen grabbing a take out menu from the counter. He thumbed through it, made his call to get their usual, and met Blaine at the couch, curling into him as they turned on their DVR. “You know…” He started as Blaine forwarded through the commercials. “When I said in public I didn’t mean like… making me wear the collar in public or anything obvious and creepy that’s reserved for private time but… I always wear this leather cuff, and sometimes when I look at it I lose myself a little bit, because it’s kind of like a collar on my wrist, and sometimes when you hook your finger in it and pull me places and it’s all cute and what not I get lost in that moment and my brain gets kind of confused as to who I and I dont know… maybe I’d like you scolding me a little, telling me to eat… leading me places by the cuff… reminding me my place on really bad days when I just… don’t want to think.”
Blaine smiled over at Kurt and ran his fingers along his spine. “If that’s what you want, then I don’t mind,” he said, leaning over to kiss Kurt softly. “Though I never did know that you sorta lost yourself when you wore it. I mean, you always look sorta dazed, but it’s like when we first started kissing, and I just figured I was being that adorable. Damn, I was just being dommy? Sigh,” Blaine added, before grinning and kissing Kurt again. “Like I said, Kurt. Whatever you want. I’m comfortable as long as you’re comfortable. I love you.”
Kurt hummed into the kiss, smiling. “Blaine.” He said softly, then smiled at the confused look on Blaine’s face, thinking yeah, so what’s the word? ”My safeword for when I’m subbing like before is your name. Because it’s the one word in the entire world that gives me comfort, makes me feel safe, and it’s the one word I could never forget. Normally, when something could go wrong, saying Rachel Berry’s name in bed is enough of a signal that somethings wrong. But… when I’m calling you Master, if suddenly I’m calling you Blaine, then you’ll know somethings up that we need to fix. Because just saying your name will help me get back to reality, help me realize that I’m not actually your slave and that I’m uncomfortable. It’ll never happen, but that’s… that’s my word and why.” He said, his face and ears pink when he was done.
Blaine smiled and shook his head, pulling Kurt closer. “God… I love you more than anything. And I always will, no matter what,” he said, kissing Kurt again, this time more passionately. He pulled back after a moment, smiling. “So… should we cuddle more in the bathtub, or get out, change the sheets and cuddle in bed? We’ll order some take out and I’ll massage you and we’ll just have a nice relaxing night,” Blaine whispered, running his hands up and down Kurt’s back, rubbing his nose cutely against Kurt’s.
Kurt sighed. He’d hated keeping this from Blaine. “Blaine, I’m just… I’m afraid of you looking at me differently. I… I’m a grown man, I… I don’t need you taking care of me and making my decisions for me and telling me when I can eat and when I can walk and when I can sleep… It’s just… Some days, when everything is too much and I… I don’t care about simple things like eating… And I skip meals and I walk faster and I lose sleep because I have to work late on a project… Having you there to force feed me… to tell me I have to eat… It’s nice to have someone that cares about me enough to do that. To make me do the things I have to.” he rambled a little, then sighed. “Do you want to know what my safe word will be?”
Blaine kissed Kurt’s head. “Kurt, I will never look at you differently. Never. Don’t ever think that I would. I like taking care of you, helping you when you need it,” he said, before kissing Kurt softly, cupping his face. He pulled away after a moment, pressing their foreheads together and looking into Kurt’s eyes. “I would like to know what you want your safe word will be. What is it?” Blaine asked.
Kurt bit his lip, avoiding Blaines eyes. “I wouldn’t want it all the time, no. I’m too naturally all controlling. That’s why I like this when we do it. It… gives my brain a break from having to control all the little things. It would be… just something for really bad days… like today. I… it’s hard to explain why I want it, Blaine.” He stopped trying to explain himself. He knew Blaine understood, even if Kurt knew he was a little wary of it. “I… I could come in, put my stuff down and say ‘Bad Day’ or something like that… unless you have a good idea… and I… I actually do want to change my safeword… for when we do this… because I’m in a completely different place in my head, and honestly, when you mentioned my safeword earlier, I couldn’t even remember it at the time. I knew I wouldn’t need it, I know I’ll probably never need it, but I couldn’t remember it, and that scared me a little. So yes, I do want so change it for those moments. You know, we really don’t have to do this. You can stop it here, we don’t ever have to do it outside of sex, Blaine.”
Blaine pulled Kurt close. “Let me make you happy. If it’s what you want, then it’s what I want. I love you, and I understand what you’re saying. We don’t have to talk about it anymore tonight though, if you don’t want to,” he said, pressing his lips to Kurt’s again. “Kurt, I just want you to know that you can talk to me about this. I don’t like that you feel uncomfortable talking about this. I just want to be able to give you what you want..” Blaine whispered, resting his head on Kurt’s shoulder.
Kurt blushed harder at Blaine trying to make it okay, trying to make it seem normal that Kurt would want this. “Blaine, that’s embarrassing. ‘Hey baby, I’m home! Mind taking all of my control and putting a leather collar on me for the rest of the night because I’m through thinking for myself for the day.’ Imagine what other people would say! The Kurt Hummel wearing a collar like an animal by choice and getting off to it and liking it?! I mean, Blaine. On some days, I’m so fed up with life that I consider you treating me like that in public! Not that I’d ever make you I mean that’s crazy talk I don’t ever want to pressure you into anything I’m just kind of rambling and telling you things I haven’t even written in my journal because I’m so ashamed of it I mean gahh why are we still talking about this you probably think I’m crazy I’m just gonna shut up now and stop talking because I’m embarrassing myself.” He groaned, hiding his face in his hands.
Blaine took Kurt’s hands and intertwined their fingers. He smiled at his fiance. “I don’t think I’d ever want to do that in public, no, but Kurt, you don’t have to be embarrassed right now. How about this? If there is ever a day where you just want to give up all control, we have like a codeword or something. We can have a codeword for when you want it to start and a codeword for when you want it to end. There would also be your usual safewords, unless you want a different one for when you’re in subspace. Kurt, if this is what you want, then we’ll figure it out. As long as it’s not an all the time thing, because I love how dominating you are outside the bedroom.”
Kurt shook his head, blushing furiously. “N-No. I’m… We’ve just never really talked about ever doing it outside of the bedroom and its just really hard to bring something like that up when you’re so sweet and careful and I just don’t really know how to you know… talk about something like that or why I’d want it or when I’d want it I mean I don’t want it all the time I think I’d die from pent up dominance that just comes out sometimes but I mean weulaiebirvaberligb! Nevermind we don’t have to talk about this we should just pretend like I never said anything.” He said, waving his hand dismissively and turning away from Blaine.
Blaine shook his head, turning Kurt back to him. “No, stop. Kurt, if you want to talk about it, we can talk about it, honey. Kurt, baby, if there was ever a day when you just didn’t want to deal with anything and you wanted to just go into subspace for a while, Kurt just talk to me about it. I want to take care of you. You take care of me so much and I am willing to return the favor, if that’s what you wanted,” he said, kissing Kurt softly. “I love you and you know you can always talk to me about these things.”
Kurt whimpered softly when Blaine took off his collar, because he already missed the feeling of the leather around his neck, a solid reminder that no matter what happened, he had someone to take care of him. That when it got too hard to take care of himself, he had someone that could take over for him, take care of him until he could regain his own control. “You didn’t hurt me. I would have done something to tell you. I just… realized what I’d done wrong, and I realized I wanted to make it as good for you as I could because I disappointed you… I wanted to make you happy and proud of me. I love you too, Blaine. You don’t have to worry about me if I get stuck for a while in subspace, though. I like being there after days like this. I like not having to think for myself, let you take care of me when I can’t do it myself. When I can’t handle everything in my life moving so fast and I need a break. Sometimes I think about actually… you know…” He sighed, shaking his head. “Nevermind. Ignore me.” He nuzzled his face into Blaine’s face, trying to hide the light pink dusting his cheeks.
Blaine kissed Kurt’s temple and brushed Kurt’s hair back, as he listened to him. He took a washcloth and put some of Kurt’s body wash on it, before gently rubbing it over Kurt’s chest. When Kurt trailed off, Blaine looked up and his eyebrows knitted together. Blaine pulled his hand away and turned Kurt so that they were looking at each other. “Kurt, what do you mean? Are you saying you want to just stay in subspace or something?” he asked, brushing his thumb over Kurt’s cheekbone and looking into his eyes.
Kurt sighed, taking another couple minutes to come back to himself. He leaned back and kissed Blaine on the cheek. “You need to be careful. It could be really damaging to go back and fourth that quickly for me. You need to… gently ease me out of it. Massaging me like this, taking care of me, letting me come back to when I want to.” He said softly, rubbing Blaine’s thighs on either side of him. “I’ve read it can be really dangerous if it happens suddenly. I could get permanently stuck in subspace, or I could get scared to ever go there again. It’s great that it’s easy for you to get all dommy, but when I get into subspace, I’m a completely different person… Which is why I like it so much. I don’t have to control anything, you decide when I eat and sleep and move and touch and that’s what I need when we do it. Which is why we do it.” He said, letting himself close his eyes and sigh as he really came back to.
Blaine sighed and nuzzled into Kurt. “I’m sorry, baby. I’ll be more careful about it next time. I just… I’ve never seen you like that, so very out of it. I didn’t like that, because I thought maybe I hurt you, and I really didn’t want to hurt you,” he said, before biting his lip and taking off Kurt’s collar, setting it aside outside of the bathtub. Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt’s neck. “I’m just really happy that you’re okay. I love you so much,” he whispered, hugging Kurt tightly and burying his face in Kurt’s neck.